Losing the Dating Game: Revisited

Nearly three years ago I wrote a blog post about how I was losing the dating game. Update: Not much has changed.

I’m here, a few years older, and not much wiser. With another breakup under my belt, another existential “Who am I?” crisis at hand, sometimes I wonder when history will stop repeating itself.

I’m older, just as cynical (or, as I’d like to describe it, “realistic”), and still as lost as I was the last time I was losing this game. Back then I proudly took myself out of the game, ready to sit on the bench as long as I felt necessary.

This time around, I’m on the fence. I know I’m injured, I’m not a valuable team player, and the coach should really pull me from the starting lineup. But there’s still a part of me that wants to play.

So what does one do when she’s on the fence about sitting on the bench during the dating game?

She goes on Tinder, of course.

My main goal in entering the world of Tinder was to troll people. Mature, I know. Believe me, in the beginning it was hysterical.

Am I the only one who thinks “Please be fun” is a slightly obnoxious opening line?

Clearly GIFs are the name of the game for me on Tinder. The more annoying, the better for trolling.

I’m basically the definition of “mature.”

Guess that pickup line was a fail based solely on my GIF reaction.

But after a while, they started legitimately asking me on dates.

To which my reaction was:

disgusted marilyn monroe GIF

Via: giphy.com

I never intended to date anyone who had the misfortune of stumbling across me and my barrage of unnecessary GIFs on Tinder. I honestly didn’t even realize that I’d encounter that situation. I thought none of them would take my immaturity seriously and that my tactic of trolling would be too obvious.

When I started receiving invitations for drinks (that always seems to be the popular go-to Tinder date), I realized the joke was over. I’d have to decide if I really wanted to date (not just people I met on Tinder but in real life as well) or run for the hills.

I chose to run for the hills.

go go go running GIF

Via: giphy.com

I realized that I wasn’t throwing myself into the dating game for the right reasons. I was hoping to compete against my last relationship, my former teammate and current opponent. I wanted to win, but I learned that I’m losing. My opponent, from what social media has shown me, is winning the game. His new girlfriend is treated to trips to D.C., NBA games, theatre shows, brewery tours, while I am finding the least awkward way to reject strangers on Tinder.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

While losing the dating game sucks, I’ve learned that I also shouldn’t throw myself into the game for the wrong reasons. If I have to sit on the bench while watching my opponent win, so be it. I have to heal from my injuries so that I can be a valuable player once again. Who knows how long that will take. Maybe my opponent will be 50 points ahead. But I should be playing for the right reasons, and winning for myself.

Me when I hopefully someday make a comeback to the dating game. Via: giphy.com

So for now, three years after I was losing the dating game, I’m still losing. Even though I want to play, I’m going to take myself out of the game and sit on the bench. Maybe that’s what I need. I’ll be back.

Via: giphy.com

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What I’ve learned from relationships is that I’ve learned nothing from relationships

Source: geekandjock.com

Source: geekandjock.com

With every break up, traveling back down that dark rabbit hole of loneliness and depression, I can’t help thinking to myself, “I have learned NOTHING.”I’ve wondered if I either:

a. Have early onset Alzheimer’s, or
b. Have severe memory loss.

Why? Because I date the same guy over and over. After each break up I find myself wondering what went wrong.

I’m attracted to jerks.

There. I said it. When I first meet someone, my hopefulness wipes my brain of all memories of “The Jerk” prototype, and I mistake arrogance for confidence.

It always starts out with the usual lies, cover ups, and going behind my back. Some relationships have unique quirks like Mr. Nice Guy spending hundreds on tattoos (behind my back) but bitching about spending money on Christmas gifts. Or other adorable tendencies like drug use and being cheap.

But my brain goes into the denial stage and I assume this guy is Mr. Nice Guy.

Once I finally realize, “This guy’s actually a bit of an asshole,” it’s too late. I’ve already caught The Feels. Nothing can save me. I head right back to Denial City. And that’s where I stay for the entirety of the relationship.

You know that cliche saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants” (which happens to be a Selena Gomez song)? Story of my relationship history. It’s an unhealthy pattern.

Through all of the crappy relationships, I forgot about ME. I knew my decisions were wrong, but I made them anyway. I was disrespecting myself by staying longer than I should have.

Recently, I’ve realized something:

What about me?

I have ignored myself for so long within relationships that it’s become a habit. It’s my pattern. I haven’t cared enough about myself or respected what I deserve.

Screw that! What I’ve learned from relationships is that I don’t need to be in a relationship until I respect myself.

I’ve learned that it’s never too late to get what I want. But I don’t need a relationship. Just like my resolution post, I need to be selfish. That seems to be the theme of 2015 for me. And I’m perfectly okay with that.

15 reasons why it’s hard out here for a b*tch

Lily Allen’s tongue-in-cheek single “Hard Out Here” states in no uncertain terms, “It’s hard out here for a bitch,” and the song and music video are, for lack of better words, a kick in the balls.

In classic Allen fashion, she uses humor, profanity, and bubblegum pop sound to tackle serious societal issues. “Hard Out Here” is a feminist take on the double standards for men and women.

While this feminist theme has been covered many times in the past (anyone remember Christina Aguilera and Lil’ Kim’s “Can’t Hold Us Down” circa 2002?), “Hard Out Here” is a perfectly-timed release.

The last couple years have been a losing battle for female equality, and it appears that 2015 could be more of the same.

Blogger Doobster418 at his blog Mindful Digressions broke down the statistics of the 114th Congress, and it’s not pretty. How many women make up Congress, you ask?

20%. Yes. 80% of Congress members are men. America, the land of equal opportunity, has a dismally unequal Congress. I hope I’m not the only one shaking my head.

As Allen writes in her single, “Inequality promises that it’s here to stay/Always trust the injustice cause it’s not going away.” At a time like this, these lyrics clearly describe a country where many citizens are blind to the blatant sexism between men and women.

In honor of the new year, I wrote a post about 15 reasons why being a woman rocks in 2015. Even before typing it, the temptation to rage about the bull women live with was brewing deep in my brain. I knew the post would have a rebuttal. Feminism is a two-sided coin, after all. It’s a movement that is progressive throughout history, and like any other equality movement, the battle is never over.

Here is the post that I’ve been itching to write. The 15 reasons it’s hard out here for a bitch.

1. Two words: pay gap. If you are someone who has a vagina, you will always be paid less than someone with a penis for doing the exact same job. Why? Because you have a vagina, my dear.

2. Bachelor married at 53? Sexy!

Source: express.co.uk

Source: express.co.uk

Bachelorette married at 42? Old hag! (and she must be pregnant!)

Source: eonline.com

Source: eonline.com

3. If you don’t have kids, you aren’t a real woman. You’re a fake woman. Because you are only a womb.

Source: voodoodarling.com

Source: voodoodarling.com

4. But if you do have kids and live in America, you are living in the only developed country without guaranteed paid maternity leave.

Source: thinkprogress.org

Source: thinkprogress.org

5. You could be arrested for having a miscarriage in America. Seriously. If a woman has a miscarriage, it could be interpreted as an attempted home abortion, and she needs to go to court to defend her case. This is the world we live in, folks. Just a reminder: it’s 2015, not 1815.

6. You have two choices:

Saint

Source: philomena.org

Source: philomena.org

Slut

Source: blogs.longwood.edu

Source: blogs.longwood.edu

Yes, those are your only two choices.

7. Ever heard of the Thinspiration movement? It’s an online movement to promote anorexia.

Source: pinterest.com

Source: pinterest.com

Just when society is beginning to turn around and say, “Ladies, you can eat,” the Thinspiration movement takes over the internet to tear women down and make them feel bad about themselves. The movement gives “inspirational” pictures of thin women girls can look to for what they should hope to look like. That sounds healthy.

8. If being anorexic isn’t your thing, fear not! Another movement has threatened to demolish Thinspiration’s popularity. It’s the Fitspiration movement. The exact same thing as Thinspiration, but jamming in the word “fit” to replace “thin.” What’s the difference between “fit” and “thin”? Good question. There’s a blog post for that.

Source: usmagazine.com

Source: usmagazine.com

9. The 90’s was a beautiful decade because the Spice Girls ruled the world with Girl Power. Dance break! With the explosion of social media (and the obsession with selfies), it’s become easier for women to hate on each other. We’ve become divided as a gender. We judge women to build ourselves up, and that is only hurting us.

Source: napkindad.com

Source: napkindad.com

10. The Men’s Rights Movement. Do I agree with equal rights for everyone? Of course. But a movement for a bunch of whiny men who think they’re oppressed because women have a voice? Give me a f***ing break. Men have had more rights than women for hundreds, heck, thousands of years. Now that the playing field is more equal, the men behind this (mostly online) movement are bitching a fit? I’m willing to bet this movement gained popularity online because these people don’t have the balls to say any of this crap in public:

“It’s pretty standard knowledge around here that an average woman has a much easier time getting sex, and it takes a disproportionate amount of effort for men (the 80/20 rule here).

Good.

My goal in life is to become Nietzsche’s Ubermensch, the epitome of a human, or Maslow’s Self-Efficacy. With that life goal in mind, I actually enjoy it being more difficult to become the top male in order to get sex. Sleeping with girls easily in life, is just a challenge, an obstacle for me to overcome. A worthy opponent, sexual economics, put right in my face, testing me to see if I overcome it.

Sex is easier for girls, and therefore they don’t appreciate the average male’s struggle for economic dominance. Good. It helps separate the herd. They’ll never have to work as hard to be the best, and therefore will never have to develop their personalities, social acumen, or fitness as much as men do. Now given these traits do help acquire a higher quality mate for girls, but they aren’t necessary to get the carnal pleasures, or just an average mate in general.”

Boo hoo, this poor man can’t get the ladies, and so this means that women have an easier time finding men. Sure dude, that makes perfect sense.

Source: rednblacksalamander.deviantart.com

Source: rednblacksalamander.deviantart.com

The tragedy in this movement is that some women are even joining their forces. I know, right? Here is an, um, interesting example of a woman who I will not name in this post, for the same reason I did not cite the male’s whiny quote: because I had to go to the dark corners of the internet, and I do not wish for anyone to unwillingly stumble upon this craziness. Anyway, here’s a woman who is fighting for the rights of oppressed men everywhere:

“When you think about the kind of life that many men end up having, it really says something about the disregard we hold men in, that we can chain them to that kind of obligation without providing them any kind of benefit of choice or freedom. We have a word for that, and that word is slavery.”

That’s right. This woman believes that (predominantly white) men today are so oppressed that we can compare them to slaves.

Source: galleryhip.com

Source: galleryhip.com

The face says it all.

11. The existence of Fox News, AKA “Faux News.” This “news” station is dedicated to brainwashing people who don’t know any better, filling their minds with misinformation. In fact, studies show that you’re better off watching no news at all than Fox News. Not only do their newscasters have no idea what they’re talking about, but many of them, along with other extreme conservatives, are blatantly sexist. These guys are stupid enough to state their uneducated opinions on national television, whereas the men behind the Men’s Rights Movement hide behind computer screens. I have a feeling the amount of money Fox newscasters make has something to do with that.

Source: 247sports.com

Source: 247sports.com

I have a bad feeling they’re serious.

12. No matter how many years pass by, or how many rights we gain, we are still mainly physical beings, and society continues to feed into this depressing philosophy.

13. Slut shaming. In other words, when people blame women for being sluts.

Case in point: the iCloud celebrity photo hack. Some people blamed the celebrities themselves for the hack, claiming that they shouldn’t have taken naked photos in the first place. It’s their fault some douchebag invaded their privacy, stole their photos, and leaked them online! Those sluts!

But don’t worry. Jennifer Lawrence fired back in a Vanity Fair interview, and showed those slut shamers how wrong they were.

Source: newscenterd.com

Source: newscenterd.com

Lawrence also said in the article that she has nothing to be sorry about and that this was a sex crime. She is completely right.

14. The idea that women “having it all” is a perfect marriage, the socially acceptable amount of kids, and a socially accepted career. For 2015, you’d think we’d be more creative than that. Yes, some women want all of those things, but isn’t it a little naive to assume that EVERY woman does?

15. Finally, in all of American history, how many female presidents have we had?

ZERO. I would be so proud if this changes within my lifetime.

It’s hard out here for a bitch, and this list stops at 15 when it could go on for ages. In many countries around the world, women are raped and murdered for speaking out for justice. Women in some countries have no voice.

I will continue to speak for those whose voices have been silenced.

15 reasons why being a woman rocks in 2015

 

Source: everydayfeminism.com

Source: everydayfeminism.com

In 2014, I was baffled that “feminist” became a term some women were afraid to label themselves. Apparently being in favor of equal rights among both men and women means women hate men? That is sure news to me.

To the women who believe this is what feminism means, let me give it to you straight: you are horribly mistaken. While I’m sure there are some man-haters out there, that is not what feminism is about. That isn’t what it means to be a feminist.

It’s frustrating when women are terrified to show strength and pride in being women and that they back down into those meek stereotypes of what women should be. Come on, ladies! You don’t need to apologize for being born a woman.

In honor of the new year and the hope that 2015 is a year in which women can win some battles, here is a list of my 15 reasons why it rocks to be a woman right now.

1. Voting. BOOM.
Think about it. America declared its independence in 1776. According to my calculations, women couldn’t vote for 144 years. We finally were given the freedom to freaking vote in 1920. We have had this privilege for a measly 95 years.

2. The freedom to protest places like Hobby Lobby.

Source: tulsaworld.com

Source: tulsaworld.com

Religious freedom? Yes, that’s beautiful. A corporation being treated like a human being and dictating the limited contraception and health services it will pay for its female employees? Appalling. Damn right let’s protest.

3. Don’t want to have a baby? You don’t have to! Go on with yo bad self.

Source: mommyish.com Cameron Diaz: Doesn't have kids, and she rocks.

Source: mommyish.com
Cameron Diaz: Doesn’t have kids, and she rocks.

4. You want to have five kids? More power to ya!

5. Don’t want to get married? Don’t do it! You don’t need no man.

6. Leggings and yoga pants. I swear, I will do just about anything to avoid wearing something that doesn’t feel like pajamas. This also goes along with the fact that we don’t have to wear dresses or skirts.

7. Female police officers, doctors, lawyers, and firemen, oh my!

8. Women can go to college to earn a degree, not find a husband.

9. We can open our own bank accounts without the consent of someone with a penis. Women couldn’t have their own bank accounts until 1974, only 41 years ago.

10. According to the Pregnancy Discrimination Act of 1978, women cannot be fired for getting pregnant. But only 37 years ago, you could have said “bye bye” to your job if you let slip that you were pregnant.

11. The feminism movement has given women a voice in 2015.

12. Feminist activists like Gloria Steinem fighting an uphill (and ongoing) battle for women.

13. Authors such as Jessica Valenti and Laura Carroll who educate audiences about women who don’t want children, proving that women aren’t worthless if they don’t procreate. In 2015 I anticipate women continuing to fight for body autonomy. We are more than our body parts. We have BRAINS.

14. Twitter has provided us with many opportunities to speak up for equal rights. Hashtags like #YesAllWomen brought awareness to people in denial that sexism and misogyny is alive and well in America.

Source: hashtagfeminism.com

Source: hashtagfeminism.com

15. To the growing list of celebrities who are loud and proud to be feminists, you rock.

Source: littlestraightfeministthings.tumblr.com Kate Nash. Her music rocks, and so does she.

Source: littlestraightfeministthings.tumblr.com
Kate Nash. Her music rocks, and so does she.

This year, if you’re on the fence about defining yourself as a feminist, do your research first. Read. Learn. Educate yourself about what feminism means in America today. Learn what feminists are and what they are not. Don’t be afraid to be a woman in this country. Don’t apologize or back into a corner. Stand up and be proud of WHO you are. Don’t let America define you by WHAT you are.

Source: sparksummit.com

Source: sparksummit.com

Why failing is better than settling for less

Source: shuttershock.com

Source: shuttershock.com

“Never settle for less than you deserve.”

This phrase is thrown around to everyone crying into their ice cream (or alcohol) over a break up. I agree wholeheartedly with it, especially since I have decided that I want to be more selfish in 2015.

I believe that focusing on myself will help me avoid settling for crappy situations.

If we shouldn’t settle for a crappy relationship, why are so many of us giving up our dreams to settle for a crappy life?

Fear.

I have dreams for myself, just like everyone else. But why haven’t I been a ball buster, a chick who goes after what she wants, no matter who’s standing in my way?

Because of the unknown. That dark, scary monster under my bed.

In the middle of the night, when those deep thoughts about life creep into my head, the monster is in my thoughts.

Failure. I could go after my dreams, fall on my hopeful little face, and fail miserably.

So what?

I should be asking myself, “Who cares if I fail?” If we’ve suffered failed relationships, at least we learned something. Shouldn’t the same be true of our dreams?

For many of us, we neglect our dreams not on purpose, but because our brains are too busy. Our attention is spread out to a million different things in our daily lives, and we get wrapped up in the day-to-day monotony. I’ve been guilty of those for longer than I’d care to admit.

In the blogging world, there are many writers who inspire me. The ones who stand out the most are the ones going after their dreams and overcoming those fears of failing.

Case in point: Vanessa at her blog Wander Onwards. She travels the world, which is something I’ve forever dreamed of doing. She is clever and hilarious writer, and she’s clearly following her passions.

Sure, some aspirations we have might be far out of reach. Wistful, but not realistic. But if we don’t try, we’ll never know.

The people living their dreams stand out. They are confident, self aware, and discovering themselves on a deeper level. They go above and beyond, taking life by the balls instead of taking whatever bone is thrown their way.

Why not me? Why not you? If not traveling, but whatever your dreams are in that pretty little head of yours.

Instead of just dreaming and settling for ordinary, why not make something of those dreams? I want to make my dreams a reality, and if I fail, if you fail…

Who cares? At least we tried.

Source: iliketoquote.com

Source: iliketoquote.com

 

My Resolution is to be selfish

Source: netizenbuzz.blogspot.com

Source: netizenbuzz.blogspot.com

Selfish. It’s a word that packs a punch of negativity. But I thinks it gets a bad rap. It’s all about moderation and balance. This year, my New Years resolution is to be much more selfish. I have been neglecting my own wants and needs for too long. I need to improve my relationship…with myself.

Many of us have been taught to think of others more than ourselves. While this is a cute idea in theory, I think we have to draw the line somewhere. For example, I should be making sure I have my life together before I bend over backwards for everyone else in my life.

When did I forget this important piece of crucial life advice? Somewhere, somehow, I slowly shifted in who I cared about. I forgot myself. I became too comfortable. Too safe. Unhappy.

As teenagers, many of us went through that cliche stage of life in which we had to “fit in” and cared too much what ours peers thought. I never realized how easily this can continue throughout life. Like, forever. Ew.

Even when I’m unhappy, it’s less risky and less scary to stay unhappy. If I’m making others happy, at least something positive comes of the situation. At least that’s my thought process that keeps me stuck.

My dreams are vibrant and numerous. Yet keeping them in my head and refusing to strive for them keeps me safe from the unknown. Where’s the fun in that?

Looking after myself first and being selfish isn’t something I should be ashamed of. If I’m not complete or happy with myself, that’s is who I need to focus on.

Making others happy is a way to enhance your life, but if you’re miserable, you aren’t doing anyone any favors.

This year I need to take some serious time to think about myself. And only myself. During the daily grind, it’s easy to lose focus on my own happiness and pay too much attention to what others think. If I don’t have myself in check first, how can I help anyone else? My thoughts exactly.

Sure, being TOO selfish isn’t any way to live. But I believe that everyone should spend some time being selfish, as long as you’re not hurting anyone. If you’re focusing on yourself and improving your life, how could that be a bad thing?

This year, I give props to you if you’re doing your own thing and paying no mind to the haters. Be selfish.

 

Source: wefirstbranding.com

Source: wefirstbranding.com