With every break up, traveling back down that dark rabbit hole of loneliness and depression, I can’t help thinking to myself, “I have learned NOTHING.”I’ve wondered if I either:
a. Have early onset Alzheimer’s, or
b. Have severe memory loss.
Why? Because I date the same guy over and over. After each break up I find myself wondering what went wrong.
I’m attracted to jerks.
There. I said it. When I first meet someone, my hopefulness wipes my brain of all memories of “The Jerk” prototype, and I mistake arrogance for confidence.
It always starts out with the usual lies, cover ups, and going behind my back. Some relationships have unique quirks like Mr. Nice Guy spending hundreds on tattoos (behind my back) but bitching about spending money on Christmas gifts. Or other adorable tendencies like drug use and being cheap.
But my brain goes into the denial stage and I assume this guy is Mr. Nice Guy.
Once I finally realize, “This guy’s actually a bit of an asshole,” it’s too late. I’ve already caught The Feels. Nothing can save me. I head right back to Denial City. And that’s where I stay for the entirety of the relationship.
You know that cliche saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants” (which happens to be a Selena Gomez song)? Story of my relationship history. It’s an unhealthy pattern.
Through all of the crappy relationships, I forgot about ME. I knew my decisions were wrong, but I made them anyway. I was disrespecting myself by staying longer than I should have.
Recently, I’ve realized something:
What about me?
I have ignored myself for so long within relationships that it’s become a habit. It’s my pattern. I haven’t cared enough about myself or respected what I deserve.
Screw that! What I’ve learned from relationships is that I don’t need to be in a relationship until I respect myself.
I’ve learned that it’s never too late to get what I want. But I don’t need a relationship. Just like my resolution post, I need to be selfish. That seems to be the theme of 2015 for me. And I’m perfectly okay with that.