Life is a game. Billions of people are out there, searching for “the one,” hoping to win that perfect soulmate.
News flash: you’ll never win, because there is no such thing.
So far, I have lost the dating game. At the age when my peers are announcing their engagements on Facebook, I’m at the age where my pessimism towards love has reached a new level.
To the general public, I’m perceived as a positive person. To some extent, people are right. I attempt to focus on positivity with others, and let the pessimism boil under my skin.
However, most of my life, I have never been a love optimist. While most of the time I enjoyed feeding myself positive anecdotes about life, I was somehow a realist when it came to the outcome of relationships:
They end.
“Forever” is a word that no one understands. We do not live forever because death is kind of a thing, and the human race will die out eventually, so even as a race, we are not “forever” either.
Yet this word is thrown around just as much as “love.” The words fly out of people’s mouths, and the idea has been spread all over the world that “love” and “forever” somehow fit together.
Disney movies, Taylor Swift songs, and The Bachelor are some displays of the obsession with the idea that happily ever after equals finding a soulmate to love forever.
And we eat that shit up like Valentine’s Day chocolates.
We are all contestants in this dating game, and every day people are winning the jackpot. As more people win, some of us feel like less valuable players.
I have suffered injuries while trying to win the big money, knowing I’d lose everything I gambled. Along the way, the injuries caught up with me, and it’s time I sat on the bench.
Every day I see more people winning the dating game, and those who have lost, like myself, scramble to keep playing.
Pressure to win is high.
With online dating, blind dating, Meet Ups, reality dating shows, Facebook, and family and friends “fixing” us up with dates, we are provided with endless ways to compete. From every direction, we are poked, prodded, and sometimes even coerced into the dating game.
Other people are betting on us to win. They get into the game when they match us up with friends who they swear are “perfect” for us. “Perfect” is yet another word thrown out to create this fantasy for the dating game. “Perfect love forever.”
Source: worldhaveyoursay.wordpress.com Me in the future
The odds of winning this high pressure game are not high. The likelihood of us winning are less than 50%. The actual statistics are argued about constantly, but it’s still clear that roughly half of marriages end in divorce.
That means the odds of us winding up as losers are higher than 50%. We could quit playing right now, sit on the bench, and make it a spectator sport. We could watch the other players and root for the most valuable ones to win.
During my times sitting on the bench, I have wondered, “Why play at all?” As my pessimism has reached new levels, I still ask this question.
At times it feels foolish to keep playing this game, putting my heart on the line, for something I may not even believe in. The words “perfect,” “love,” and “forever” are just words to me. I never knew what they meant, and I’m now not only more clueless, but also bruised and stitched up.
Instead of running back into the dating game or sitting on the bench, I won’t. I’m leaving the game. Maybe I’ll return like Michael Jordan, strong as ever.
Source: thedailybeast.com Maybe someday I’ll make a comeback.
But for now, I need to escape the game. My happily ever after doesn’t have to include winning a soulmate.
For me, winning big is traveling to beautiful places (and having the money to do it), writing for a living (making enough money for it to be possible), and finding peace with myself. I’m playing to win all of those things, and if I do, I’ll have hit the jackpot.
Source: giphy.com My face when I read NYC Pastor’s “advice”
A viral blog post written by a blogger named NYC Pastor has many people’s panties in a twist, myself included. In a nutshell, the guy appears to be quite narrow-minded, to put it kindly. To be blunt and more specific, he could be appropriately identified as a sexist.
The post in question is titled “10 WOMEN CHRISTIAN MEN SHOULD NOT MARRY,” and the all-caps were the author’s doing, not mine. So by just reading the title, we have already identified the first problem. But if you thought all-caps was the most obnoxious sin the NYC Pastor could commit, think again.
I read the post and laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more. Seriously, give it a read if you need a good joke. While I was appalled at the author’s outdated and offensive views towards women, it was still an amusing read because of its absurdity.
In his introduction, NYC Pastor states that he wrote another post of the ten men Christian women should not marry. Hoping that this dude’s offensive views knew no gender, I took a look and discovered that I was wrong. Even while discussing men that are “not worthy” of Christian women, the author still manages to bash women in the process, making sure that women are to blame for everything. Seriously, he went above and beyond to offend any woman who stumbles upon his blog.
After I pulled myself together, I decided that my thoughts cannot be limited to a paragraph left in the comment section on NYC Pastor’s post (of which there are 1,105 comments total). Instead, my thoughts deserve an entire blog post, listing my responses to every one of NYC Pastor’s 10 “reasons.” Here we go:
1. The Unbeliever
I get it. Some Christians believe that they should marry other Christians. But honestly, is that anyone else’s business besides the people involved in the relationship? If they’re happy, they’re happy. End of story.
2. The Divorcee
NYC Pastor claims that Christians can only divorce if their partner cheated within the marriage. Sooo, domestic violence doesn’t exist or what? Emotional abuse is perfectly acceptable? A woman should just put up with it, because if she divorces the rotten, good-for-nothing jerk, she’s a “sinner” and not worthy of having a healthy second marriage? You, sir, are an asshole.
3. The Older Woman
What defines an “older” woman, according to the NYC Pastor? Two years. He cites some supposed “research” to back up his claim that marrying a woman one to three years older means men are 53% more likely to divorce their wives. Does he realize that regardless of age, socio-economic status, and religion, that over half of all marriages fail anyway? But the other reason he believes men shouldn’t marry “older” women? Why of course, it’s because men were created first, and have authority over women! Duh! He even leaves us with a beautiful Bible verse which states that women are “to remain quiet.” Nope, that wasn’t a typo. I double-checked.
4. The Feminist
Ohhh no he di’n’t! I’m rolling up my sleeves as we speak, and about to throw some punches in the form of written words. Basically, the Pastor regurgitates some Bible verses about how women were created “for” men, how we live to serve men, get on our knees to kiss their feet, all that sexist bullshit.
No.
Hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but no woman was born to serve you. She has her own life, and she doesn’t care about you. After reading this blog post, I’m sure most women will not give you the time of day besides giving you a piece of our minds. You think you can dish it out, but can you take it?
Women have been oppressed by assholes who spouted the same words you did, and we stand up against these lies you try to shove down the throats of your fellow Christians. Funny how you worship these lies that make the lives of men more convenient and important than women’s. That isn’t a coincidence. Without feminism, women would still be second-class citizens, duct tape around our mouths, our wrists tied with rope. We have a voice, and we are people.
5. The Immodest-Dresser
Let me get this straight: if a man gawks at a woman dressed “sexy,” it’s the woman’s fault for the man objectifying her because she’s dressed that way? Ah, thank you for slut shaming women everywhere, Mr. Pastor. I’m willing to bet you also blame rape victims because “they were asking for it.”
6. The Gossiper/Slanderer
Yes, gossiping and slander are not desired qualities to have in any relationship. However, bashing women everywhere in a blog post is not necessarily the definition of “wisdom,” now is it?
7. The Childbirth Avoider
Unrelated: It’s amusing how he titled this reason “The Childbirth Avoider” as if you’re avoiding a cold. You better make sure to take your Vitamin C and wash your hands frequently: everyone’s catching The Childbirth!
NYC Pastor’s advice: if you don’t want kids, don’t get married. Period. Marriage isn’t about spending your lives with someone you love. It’s about poppin’ out them babies. We must use our reproductive organs and have babies, or suffer the wrath of God! Or, you know, just have a happy life without kids, if that’s how you roll. Either one.
8. The Wander-Luster (seriously, this guy has a hyphen problem)
Family vacations: Good.
Traveling the world: Bad.
The dude has the audacity to say that women who are frequently “out of the home” are to be avoided. Why? Because, according to Pastor, women who travel outside of their front door are “loud…busybodies who talk nonsense.” Oh sorry, he was quoting the Bible there. My bad. But seriously? Women who travel are gaining experiences, knowledge, and meeting new people. This guy claims that any opportunity in which the woman isn’t serving a man and is out of a man’s control is a sin.
9. The Career-first Woman
Don’t worry, women can work! Phew, I was worried there for a second. But women must also raise her children at the same time. Women should not make more money than their husband’s, because their penises will shrivel up (Book of Leviticus). Women should be overjoyed to quit their jobs and stay at home, because men cannot stay at home or raise children. Their penises will shrivel up, and their flesh will burn (Book of Job).
10. The Devotion-less Woman (again with the hyphens!)
This point isn’t nearly as disgusting as the rest of NYC Pastor’s post. A Christian wanting to find someone who is devoted to his or her religion is understandable. However, just like in the first point, if a couple is happy, it’s no one else’s business. I thought the Pastor said women can’t be busybodies? Oh, but it’s okay if men are? That makes perfect sense. Men are superior, after all, especially pricks like NYC Pastor. He knows what he’s talking about.
There you have it, my snarky response to a blog post that made me feel more snarky than usual. It’s because of men like this that women need feminism, and will always need it. We are not done, we will not be quiet. We will raise our voices even louder to shut you up, NYC Pastor. Shut up and sit down.
This powerful Freshly Pressed post says it better than I ever could. An important read, and I think everyone, men and women, must read this. Feminism is not “a thing of the past.” It is now. It’s you and me. It’s your parents, grandparents, and strangers on the street. Feminism is everywhere. We live and breathe it, and there are enemies fighting against it. Feminism has been misconstrued, but the heart of it is equality. Feminism isn’t a dirty word. What’s dirty is pretending that we don’t need it.
Because my mother was a painter and a beauty when artists had patrons and a woman like that needed a man to take care of her, so she married a money man.
Because my mother’s mother was a beauty and her mother was, too, and that’s what people said: “She was a beautiful woman,” as if that was the only remarkable thing.
Because I was born in 1966, the year Betty Friedan and others started the National Organization of Women and challenged an industry which required flight attendants to quit if they got married, pregnant, or reached the age of 32.
Because when my mother had me, she stopped painting and started cleaning house and throwing dinner parties and smoking too many cigarettes and crying in the mirror.
Because my mother never told me that I looked pretty because she did not want me to grow…
With every break up, traveling back down that dark rabbit hole of loneliness and depression, I can’t help thinking to myself, “I have learned NOTHING.”I’ve wondered if I either:
a. Have early onset Alzheimer’s, or
b. Have severe memory loss.
Why? Because I date the same guy over and over. After each break up I find myself wondering what went wrong.
I’m attracted to jerks.
There. I said it. When I first meet someone, my hopefulness wipes my brain of all memories of “The Jerk” prototype, and I mistake arrogance for confidence.
It always starts out with the usual lies, cover ups, and going behind my back. Some relationships have unique quirks like Mr. Nice Guy spending hundreds on tattoos (behind my back) but bitching about spending money on Christmas gifts. Or other adorable tendencies like drug use and being cheap.
But my brain goes into the denial stage and I assume this guy is Mr. Nice Guy.
Once I finally realize, “This guy’s actually a bit of an asshole,” it’s too late. I’ve already caught The Feels. Nothing can save me. I head right back to Denial City. And that’s where I stay for the entirety of the relationship.
You know that cliche saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants” (which happens to be a Selena Gomez song)? Story of my relationship history. It’s an unhealthy pattern.
Through all of the crappy relationships, I forgot about ME. I knew my decisions were wrong, but I made them anyway. I was disrespecting myself by staying longer than I should have.
Recently, I’ve realized something:
What about me?
I have ignored myself for so long within relationships that it’s become a habit. It’s my pattern. I haven’t cared enough about myself or respected what I deserve.
Screw that! What I’ve learned from relationships is that I don’t need to be in a relationship until I respect myself.
I’ve learned that it’s never too late to get what I want. But I don’t need a relationship. Just like my resolution post, I need to be selfish. That seems to be the theme of 2015 for me. And I’m perfectly okay with that.
Lily Allen’s tongue-in-cheek single “Hard Out Here” states in no uncertain terms, “It’s hard out here for a bitch,” and the song and music video are, for lack of better words, a kick in the balls.
In classic Allen fashion, she uses humor, profanity, and bubblegum pop sound to tackle serious societal issues. “Hard Out Here” is a feminist take on the double standards for men and women.
While this feminist theme has been covered many times in the past (anyone remember Christina Aguilera and Lil’ Kim’s “Can’t Hold Us Down” circa 2002?), “Hard Out Here” is a perfectly-timed release.
The last couple years have been a losing battle for female equality, and it appears that 2015 could be more of the same.
Blogger Doobster418 at his blog Mindful Digressions broke down the statistics of the 114th Congress, and it’s not pretty. How many women make up Congress, you ask?
20%. Yes. 80% of Congress members are men. America, the land of equal opportunity, has a dismally unequal Congress. I hope I’m not the only one shaking my head.
As Allen writes in her single, “Inequality promises that it’s here to stay/Always trust the injustice cause it’s not going away.” At a time like this, these lyrics clearly describe a country where many citizens are blind to the blatant sexism between men and women.
In honor of the new year, I wrote a post about 15 reasons why being a woman rocks in 2015. Even before typing it, the temptation to rage about the bull women live with was brewing deep in my brain. I knew the post would have a rebuttal. Feminism is a two-sided coin, after all. It’s a movement that is progressive throughout history, and like any other equality movement, the battle is never over.
Here is the post that I’ve been itching to write. The 15 reasons it’s hard out here for a bitch.
1. Two words: pay gap. If you are someone who has a vagina, you will always be paid less than someone with a penis for doing the exact same job. Why? Because you have a vagina, my dear.
2. Bachelor married at 53? Sexy!
Source: express.co.uk
Bachelorette married at 42? Old hag! (and she must be pregnant!)
Source: eonline.com
3. If you don’t have kids, you aren’t a real woman. You’re a fake woman. Because you are only a womb.
5. You could be arrested for having a miscarriage in America. Seriously. If a woman has a miscarriage, it could be interpreted as an attempted home abortion, and she needs to go to court to defend her case. This is the world we live in, folks. Just a reminder: it’s 2015, not 1815.
6. You have two choices:
Saint
Source: philomena.org
Slut
Source: blogs.longwood.edu
Yes, those are your only two choices.
7. Ever heard of the Thinspiration movement? It’s an online movement to promote anorexia.
Source: pinterest.com
Just when society is beginning to turn around and say, “Ladies, you can eat,” the Thinspiration movement takes over the internet to tear women down and make them feel bad about themselves. The movement gives “inspirational” pictures of thin women girls can look to for what they should hope to look like. That sounds healthy.
8. If being anorexic isn’t your thing, fear not! Another movement has threatened to demolish Thinspiration’s popularity. It’s the Fitspiration movement. The exact same thing as Thinspiration, but jamming in the word “fit” to replace “thin.” What’s the difference between “fit” and “thin”? Good question. There’s a blog post for that.
Source: usmagazine.com
9. The 90’s was a beautiful decade because the Spice Girls ruled the world with Girl Power. Dance break! With the explosion of social media (and the obsession with selfies), it’s become easier for women to hate on each other. We’ve become divided as a gender. We judge women to build ourselves up, and that is only hurting us.
Source: napkindad.com
10. The Men’s Rights Movement. Do I agree with equal rights for everyone? Of course. But a movement for a bunch of whiny men who think they’re oppressed because women have a voice? Give me a f***ing break. Men have had more rights than women for hundreds, heck, thousands of years. Now that the playing field is more equal, the men behind this (mostly online) movement are bitching a fit? I’m willing to bet this movement gained popularity online because these people don’t have the balls to say any of this crap in public:
“It’s pretty standard knowledge around here that an average woman has a much easier time getting sex, and it takes a disproportionate amount of effort for men (the 80/20 rule here).
Good.
My goal in life is to become Nietzsche’s Ubermensch, the epitome of a human, or Maslow’s Self-Efficacy. With that life goal in mind, I actually enjoy it being more difficult to become the top male in order to get sex. Sleeping with girls easily in life, is just a challenge, an obstacle for me to overcome. A worthy opponent, sexual economics, put right in my face, testing me to see if I overcome it.
Sex is easier for girls, and therefore they don’t appreciate the average male’s struggle for economic dominance. Good. It helps separate the herd. They’ll never have to work as hard to be the best, and therefore will never have to develop their personalities, social acumen, or fitness as much as men do. Now given these traits do help acquire a higher quality mate for girls, but they aren’t necessary to get the carnal pleasures, or just an average mate in general.”
Boo hoo, this poor man can’t get the ladies, and so this means that women have an easier time finding men. Sure dude, that makes perfect sense.
Source: rednblacksalamander.deviantart.com
The tragedy in this movement is that some women are even joining their forces. I know, right? Here is an, um, interesting example of a woman who I will not name in this post, for the same reason I did not cite the male’s whiny quote: because I had to go to the dark corners of the internet, and I do not wish for anyone to unwillingly stumble upon this craziness. Anyway, here’s a woman who is fighting for the rights of oppressed men everywhere:
“When you think about the kind of life that many men end up having, it really says something about the disregard we hold men in, that we can chain them to that kind of obligation without providing them any kind of benefit of choice or freedom. We have a word for that, and that word is slavery.”
That’s right. This woman believes that (predominantly white) men today are so oppressed that we can compare them to slaves.
Source: galleryhip.com
The face says it all.
11. The existence of Fox News, AKA “Faux News.” This “news” station is dedicated to brainwashing people who don’t know any better, filling their minds with misinformation. In fact, studies show that you’re better off watching no news at all than Fox News. Not only do their newscasters have no idea what they’re talking about, but many of them, along with other extreme conservatives, are blatantly sexist. These guys are stupid enough to state their uneducated opinions on national television, whereas the men behind the Men’s Rights Movement hide behind computer screens. I have a feeling the amount of money Fox newscasters make has something to do with that.
Source: 247sports.com
I have a bad feeling they’re serious.
12. No matter how many years pass by, or how many rights we gain, we are still mainly physical beings, and society continues to feed into this depressing philosophy.
13. Slut shaming. In other words, when people blame women for being sluts.
Case in point: the iCloud celebrity photo hack. Some people blamed the celebrities themselves for the hack, claiming that they shouldn’t have taken naked photos in the first place. It’s their fault some douchebag invaded their privacy, stole their photos, and leaked them online! Those sluts!
But don’t worry. Jennifer Lawrence fired back in a Vanity Fair interview, and showed those slut shamers how wrong they were.
Source: newscenterd.com
Lawrence also said in the article that she has nothing to be sorry about and that this was a sex crime. She is completely right.
14. The idea that women “having it all” is a perfect marriage, the socially acceptable amount of kids, and a socially accepted career. For 2015, you’d think we’d be more creative than that. Yes, some women want all of those things, but isn’t it a little naive to assume that EVERY woman does?
15. Finally, in all of American history, how many female presidents have we had?
ZERO. I would be so proud if this changes within my lifetime.
It’s hard out here for a bitch, and this list stops at 15 when it could go on for ages. In many countries around the world, women are raped and murdered for speaking out for justice. Women in some countries have no voice.
I will continue to speak for those whose voices have been silenced.
This sadly isn’t the first time Charlie Hebdo has been attacked. The building was bombed in 2011. Charbonnier had police protection after this and other threats he received. Despite this, Charbonnier continued to fight for the magazine’s right to free speech.
In an interview in 2012, Charbonnier said, “We haven’t infringed the French law, we have the right to use our freedom, as we understand it.”
Source: nymag.com A sign that reads “Je suis Charlie,” which translates to “I am Charlie.”
In Paris and all over the world, people are slaughtered for their opinions. Civil rights leaders, feminists, abortion providers, and politicians. Anyone who has an opinion and voices it publicly is a target. The more people against you, the more danger you are in, and the more your life is at stake. Freedom of speech is a risk. Not only are we risking that not everyone will adore our books, our cartoons, our films, our music. We are risking our lives. We could die for our art. Stéphane Charbonnier is a hero to all artists. His strength was astounding, and he put his beliefs before his life. He died for freedom of the press. He fought a battle for la liberté that in America we don’t even think about before we post a bitchy Facebook status or tweet. Imagine being a target. Your every move monitored, every word you post on social media, at your job. Would you fight for free speech, or cower to the threats?
Source: businessweek.com
Charbonnier famously stated, “I’d rather die standing than live on my knees.” Through absolute terror, he never backed down.These terrorists are among many existing today, and there are hateful groups everywhere. The terrifying thing about the internet is that it is a double-edged sword. While we have the beauty of voicing our thoughts to wider audiences, we also run the risk of death threats if hate groups find us. The internet makes hate more vicious, anonymous, widespread, and therefore, more dangerous.
This attack on Charlie Hebdo shows that the common phrase, “The pen is mightier than the sword” is not just a phrase, but a way of life. Free speech should never, ever be taken for granted because women and men like Stéphane Charbonnier died for it.
Unfortunately, the victims of Charlie Hebdo were not the first to die in an attack because of their exercised free speech, and they will not be the last. While hate groups argue that they are also exercising their own right to speak their (twisted) minds, their words too often turn into violent actions towards others. While people such as Stéphane Charbonnier use their freedom of expression for artistic purposes, the men who shot him and many others at his magazine’s building were expressing hatred.
None of us would be here, Wordpress would not be here, if it weren’t for the men and women who held up their pens and stood strong. In honor of these heroes and in memory of the lives lost at Charlie Hebdo, we cannot back down, either. Never be afraid to voice your opinions.
Be brave.
Create.
We are no different than any who have died before us fighting for la liberté.
Source: ibtimes.co.uk
We are all humans. We cannot allow fear to silence our voices. We are all Charlie.
In 2014, I was baffled that “feminist” became a term some women were afraid to label themselves. Apparently being in favor of equal rights among both men and women means women hate men? That is sure news to me.
To the women who believe this is what feminism means, let me give it to you straight: you are horribly mistaken. While I’m sure there are some man-haters out there, that is not what feminism is about. That isn’t what it means to be a feminist.
It’s frustrating when women are terrified to show strength and pride in being women and that they back down into those meek stereotypes of what women should be. Come on, ladies! You don’t need to apologize for being born a woman.
In honor of the new year and the hope that 2015 is a year in which women can win some battles, here is a list of my 15 reasons why it rocks to be a woman right now.
1. Voting. BOOM.
Think about it. America declared its independence in 1776. According to my calculations, women couldn’t vote for 144 years. We finally were given the freedom to freaking vote in 1920. We have had this privilege for a measly 95 years.
2. The freedom to protest places like Hobby Lobby.
Source: tulsaworld.com
Religious freedom? Yes, that’s beautiful. A corporation being treated like a human being and dictating the limited contraception and health services it will pay for its female employees? Appalling. Damn right let’s protest.
3. Don’t want to have a baby? You don’t have to! Go on with yo bad self.
Source: mommyish.com Cameron Diaz: Doesn’t have kids, and she rocks.
4. You want to have five kids? More power to ya!
5. Don’t want to get married? Don’t do it! You don’t need no man.
6. Leggings and yoga pants. I swear, I will do just about anything to avoid wearing something that doesn’t feel like pajamas. This also goes along with the fact that we don’t have to wear dresses or skirts.
7. Female police officers, doctors, lawyers, and firemen, oh my!
8. Women can go to college to earn a degree, not find a husband.
10. According to the Pregnancy Discrimination Act of 1978, women cannot be fired for getting pregnant. But only 37 years ago, you could have said “bye bye” to your job if you let slip that you were pregnant.
11. The feminism movement has given women a voice in 2015.
12. Feminist activists like Gloria Steinem fighting an uphill (and ongoing) battle for women.
13. Authors such as Jessica Valenti and Laura Carroll who educate audiences about women who don’t want children, proving that women aren’t worthless if they don’t procreate. In 2015 I anticipate women continuing to fight for body autonomy. We are more than our body parts. We have BRAINS.
14. Twitter has provided us with many opportunities to speak up for equal rights. Hashtags like #YesAllWomen brought awareness to people in denial that sexism and misogyny is alive and well in America.
Source: littlestraightfeministthings.tumblr.com Kate Nash. Her music rocks, and so does she.
This year, if you’re on the fence about defining yourself as a feminist, do your research first. Read. Learn. Educate yourself about what feminism means in America today. Learn what feminists are and what they are not. Don’t be afraid to be a woman in this country. Don’t apologize or back into a corner. Stand up and be proud of WHO you are. Don’t let America define you by WHAT you are.
