Heavy

The winter sun is so deceiving—inviting you out only for you to freeze to death.

I feel heavy. That kind of heavy where you wake up as if you’ve been in a coma, not sure if what you remember from the day previous is a nightmare or reality. Before I open my eyes, I hope it’s the former, but I know the truth. Life sometimes includes those situations more terrifying than our nightmares. With nightmares, you wake up to escape. In life, you sleep to escape (if you can shake yourself of the unbearable anxiety and panic and fear long enough in order to do so, that is).

I feel heavy. That kind of heavy no amount of sleep could fix. My entire body aches; not from physical pain, but from something else. Sleep deprivation is real, but when your body is this heavy, sleep won’t provide much, aside from a temporary escape.

I feel heavy. Eating is necessary, but food has no taste and doesn’t cure the lethargy. It’s just a mandatory, at times burdensome survival step to take each day.

I feel heavy. The outside world continues as my world is crashing. I crave the option of staying in my bubble, bundling up and using the convenient timing of the Midwest polar vortex as an excuse for my hibernation. But the world expects us to continue to be participants, no matter how broken we are.

I feel heavy. I have so many words to spill, but I have to keep them wrapped up tight. It’s not my place to spill my words because it’s not only my journey.

I feel heavy. It’s only part-way through a blog post in which I realize the irony of my own selfishness, venting with “poor me” when in reality, I’m the one who’s fine, okay, privileged. How does one cope with the guilt of self-care in times of crisis?

I feel heavy. So many times each day I reach for my phone with a witty message or random story I feel so entitled to share, thinking, “I need to tell…” and immediately stare down at my phone, remembering. The world has changed. My world has changed. My selfishness must change. My random daily thoughts can wait. I must stop focusing on “I.”

I feel heavy. Every “Do you need anything?” or “Let me know if you need to talk” means more than any cliched but truly sincere sentiment of gratitude could express. But I still don’t feel any lighter.

I feel heavy. I move in slow motion while moment to moment everything in my world changes too quickly, too drastically for me to keep up. An avalanche leaves me buried and I don’t know how to dig myself out while the snow continues to pile on. I’ll probably freeze here.

I feel heavy. Daily tasks become impossibilities, obstacles to overcome, tedious burdens I don’t wish to deal with. I want to stay in my bubble, without distractions I deem less important. How can I eat, sleep, live my life, at a time like this?

I feel heavy. It’s 11:15 pm and takes an entire day to write 500 words. There’s so much to say yet shock prevents me from untangling conflicted and complicated emotions.

Even during the darkest times, I’m still mystified by the beauty of a sunset.

I feel heavy. “You can’t predict the future” is the most uplifting and terrifying phrase ever crafted.

I feel heavy, but I can’t sleep tonight.

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2 Comments

  1. This post has a poetic quality and I thank you for expressing yourself so meaningfully here. I have also described my feelings in the last 5 or 6 years as heaviness…as I have grown older I feel it more acutely. I think I had blinders on for a long time simply focusing on my school and the beginning of my career, but as I’ve come up for air and become more aware of what’s going on the world it has created a great weight that I feel travels with me like Jacob Marley in a Christmas Carol. I feel guilty for having economic freedom and sometime even guilty for having joy in my life and I know it’s not healthy…I have gratitude for the goodness, but I can’t help but feel for all that is wrong and many times I can’t see how it’s going to get better. I hope that it is getting better. I just try not to get to lost in the weeds so I can enjoy good moments. We need those moments to sustain us. I believe there is value in being aware and knowing what’s wrong so that you can try to make it better, even if it gets heavy.

    There’s an old song by 10 Years After that goes:

    “I’d love to change the world,
    But I don’t know what to do,
    So I’ll leave it up to you”

    It all gets so overwhelming that I feel like that sometimes. I think that’s the problem many of us face in the social media world. We have informational overload. We are seeing too much of people’s rage and sadness and anxiety, and as creatures of empathy we absorb far more than evolution designed us for.

    Before I ramble on too much I definitely connected here so thank you once again. I hope you can unplug and let time go lightly. This song always lifts me up a bit:

  2. I think I know something of this feeling. I’m not sure from your post whether it’s in response to anything in particular, or just depression (which descends without reason).

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