Someday (Letter Three)

Someday, this will be a memory. Someday you'll be okay.

Someday, this will be just a memory. Someday, you’ll be okay.

This is my third letter to myself. I know, I write letters to myself a lot. But writing in itself is cathartic, and this letter-writing technique has proven to be just what I needed.

Letter One

Letter Two

———————————————————————————————————

Dear Me,

Maybe one day I’ll stop writing you letters. Β Right now, I haven’t yet said enough. It’s crucial to communicate with you.

Today is one of those beautiful “good” days. Your thoughts are clear, and you feel in control.

I cannot, however, explain why your negative thoughts surrounded you a couple of days ago. They swarmed like bees, stinging you again and again. They made their way into your mouth, down your throat, and suffocated you. You collapsed, succumbing to these thoughts instead of controlling them. That day, your negativity controlled you.

At this point in time, I still cannot pinpoint what causes these turbulent meltdowns. Thankfully, they are rare. The clear days seem to outweigh the ones clouded with questions, judgments, and labels.

That most recent dark day was darker than usual. The negative thoughts surrounded and stung so quickly, it made more sense to stay still, hoping they’d just move on. Swatting them away would only make them more aggressive. But on this particular day, they were relentless. You had no defense to guard yourself from the attack.

No matter how painful those thoughts stung, and no matter how unexpected it was, one thing is certain:

You made it. You made it to a day in which you feel in control. Do you know what that means?

It means that someday, you’ll be in control. Someday, your realistic thoughts will outweigh the negatives. Someday, these thoughts that drive you to a meltdown will no longer matter. They won’t sting. They will roll away to the back of your mind, and slowly fade.

For now, you are stronger than I ever thought you would be. You have been fighting against those negative thoughts with all of your being. Instead of surrendering to the questions, obsessions, the insecurities, you are challenging them all. This is a strength you didn’t possess four years ago.

This strength takes work. Every day. You work every day to treat yourself with respect. To be realistic. You know that the dark days don’t happen often anymore, but they aren’t over for good.

That’s okay. I mean it.

Acceptance is the most difficult part of moving on. I don’t mean acceptance of the situation. That may never happen. It’s my belief that while you can acknowledge what happened to your relationship (an arson set fire to it), you may never “accept” it. Maybe you will. That remains to be seen.

What I mean by acceptance is your acceptance of your mistakes and emotions. I want you to accept your occasional meltdowns. The bad days. The missteps. They happen. I want you to accept that just like perfection doesn’t exist anywhere in the world, you aren’t perfect, either. Expecting perfection from yourself is setting yourself up for disappointment.

I also ask that you strive to be patient. You are coping in a healthy way this time around, but please don’t beat yourself up on the dark days. Accept them as a part of the process, and know that these days will become significantly fewer in time.

Trust me, it’s okay.

I want you to accept yourself because someday, you will be okay.

Someday, none of those negative thoughts will even be thoughts anymore.

Someday, you won’t have meltdowns over this. They will be memories that shaped you.

Someday, you will be apathetic about this time period of your life. You will no longer hate him, or her, or yourself. You will understand that this was just a part of your life, but you won’t be angry forever about this.

Someday, you won’t blame yourself. For now, please, even on your darkest days, STOP.

No matter how confused you are, no matter what dark corners of your mind those negative thoughts drive you to, just know that it never was your fault. You couldn’t have done anything to prevent it, you aren’t the one who caused him to hurt you, and you did not deserve it. Please, no more “Why me” or “What’s wrong with me” or “What did I do.”

“Why me?” It could have happened to anyone. Honestly, it’s just a shitty reality in life.

“What’s wrong with me?” Nothing. At least, speaking in the terms of this situation, nothing. Do you have flaws? Yes. Does everyone have flaws? Yes. Did your flaws drive him to sleep with someone else behind your back? No. Hell-to-the-no.

“What did I do?” Nothing. In terms of what I know you mean, you did nothing to deserve someone to lie to you and betray the relationship you thought you had.

Every thought you have should help you, not hurt you. Obsessing hurts, anger hurts, insecurity hurts, negative self-talk hurts. While I know that it feels impossible on the dark days, but you have to just stamp out these behaviors. There’s no other way around it. I will not allow you to accept these behaviors, because they cause you pain.

Ask yourself, “Is this helping or hurting me?” If it’s an obsession, angry or negative thought, or an insecurity, it will automatically be hurting you. In these times, it’s crucial to pull away and distract your mind.

Just know that I love you, I’m proud of you, and you are amazing for your strength right now. You have progressed so much, and you are coping with this better than I ever could have imagined.

You’ll be okay someday.

Love,

Me

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67 thoughts on “Someday (Letter Three)

  1. You give yourself such wonderful advice, Becky. Clearly, you know yourself well and what needs to be said to motivate you and keep you on track. Sounds like you are headed in the right direction!

    Can you give me pep talks like this every once in a while? πŸ™‚

  2. You write to yourself all you want. See, I accomplish the same thing by talking to myself.

    And this is the point where you snicker a bit and allow yourself to feel more normal than me. You’re welcome. πŸ™‚

  3. Writing and talking to myself is one of the things that gets me through the difficult times. It’s cathartic and really helps you see what you might not want to see, or what you really need to shine a light on. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself. You sound like you’re on the right track, even if you get sidetracked it will all work out in the end. πŸ™‚

  4. I agree with Austin’s very first comment!! πŸ™‚ These letters must be helpful! I am sure you see the change within yourself for each letter! You are bright and thanks for sharing your world with us.

  5. I see the progression in your letters, and I think you’re pretty okay now.

    I know it sounds trite to say “time heals all wounds” and “there are plenty of fish in the sea” and “his loss”, but at 45 I know that’s pretty true for people that think and grow, and learn from mistakes.

    I’m pretty sure you’re his loss. I think he’s probably an idiot.

    And with that it’s my bedtime.

    It’s a pleasure to have met you here on WordPress. Thanks for commenting on my blog.

    • Thank you so much. I’ve noticed how significantly my thoughts and letters have progressed. I feel much more “sane” than I was when I wrote the first letter.

      I agree that those cliches hold truth. While time does not erase pain necessarily, it softens the pain slowly, and the pain fades into scars that we can recall and use as our learning experiences for the future.

      I’m also thinking that it’s his loss. I don’t feel like I lost him, because I would have been lost if I were still with him. I gained my self-respect back in a way.

      It’s a pleasure to have met you, too! I’m glad I came across your blog. Thanks for the comments.

  6. Beautifully said. I find writing to be very cathartic at times, and good for helping me sort out my thoughts. I am a complete believer of just laying feelings on the table. When you keep it inside it gets tangled and missy and hard to sort out. But when you lay that mess on the table, you can look at it and start to figure it out.

    I feel like things that happen to us in our lives are like stones being thrown into a lake. Some are just pebbles that barely make any waves…others are huge rocks. And we are somewhat helpless to the waves they make on the water. When something major just happened, when there is something we are very emotionally attached to that becomes broken, we can’t help but feel the motion that the huge rock has made as it lands in the water. Sadness is going to happen, anxiety is going to happen. In those dark moments, we are going to oscillate between internalizing it and blaming others. Wanting to punish ourselves and wanting to punish those who made us feel that way. It sounds like you do, at some level, understand that so just be patient. Like stones in a lake the waves get weaker and weaker and you’ll find peace on the water again. πŸ™‚

    I hope you do reach a stage of acceptance. You’re right that there is some things we never accept. My wife had an affair and we worked it out. Mostly because I didn’t really care that she had sex with someone else, it was the lying that bothered me, because I would rather have honesty in a relationship. Academically speaking, we are not a naturally monogamous species. Only one primate species is and lives in relative isolation. We are a social species and evolutionarily speaking monogamy is just not something that makes sense when you evolve in the wild, and something can happen to your mate at any time. Courting while in a relationship was an effective way to have “back ups” for survival and child rearing. That being said, there is nothing wrong with monogamy either. I just think that it’s important to remember that while it’s okay to expect monogamy but we shouldn’t be overtly surprised when it doesn’t happen. As I’ve grown older I’ve realized that it’s a large community of people who have cheated and have been cheated on and so it’s made me question whether or not it’s not my expectations that need adjusting. I realized I had been socialized for year by romantic happy ending movies, about stories of “true love”, and movies that end at the “Wedding” and don’t deal with the realities of a long term relationship with someone. It’s almost always a two way street though. When my wife did it, I came to realize how much I had taken her for granted, and while there were less destructive ways of dealing with that, she was also going through a lot of shit that had nothing to do with me. This is another thing we forget. In the “romance” of love we think that we really merge together and become one. You retain much more of your individuality than you think once that “dreamy phase” of falling in love passes. I realized that I hadn’t been loving her the way she wanted to be loved, and was loving her the way I thought she should be loved and those can be two different things. I say all this to you, not to make you feel worse or to convince you of anything, but rather just to say how easily we can get caught up in what it should have been and not look at what it actually was. Your darkness is simply the darkness we feel when love dies and whatever circumstances brought it on, there is no feeling that is worse and my heart goes out to you.

    • Thank you for your comment. I’m glad you enjoyed my post.

      I appreciate you sharing your story about what happened with you and your wife. That must have been difficult to get through.

      I understand what you mean about how biologically we may not be a “monogamous” species. While that’s true, I like to think that while we seem to view ourselves as superior to other species (even though I don’t know if I feel we’re necessarily superior, just more evolved), that would mean we have evolved to be able to contain our baser instincts.

      We have evolved to be more sophisticated than other animals, so to me, monogamy is an example of a way we have evolved.

      I think it’s great that you and your wife were able to move past the cheating. I feel like after what I’ve gone through, cheating has always been and still is a deal-breaker. I used to never think I’d be cheated on, but now that I’ve been through this, I know I just won’t tolerate it. I think it all depends on the couple involved and the situation, but I’m not a person who could ever accept someone’s cheating. I think you’re very strong to be able to move past your wife’s cheating. That’s awesome you were able to move forward.

      • I’m not suggesting you should be okay with cheating, only that it’s part of our nature. And while I believe that monogamy has benefits, remember that our nature has evolved on timescales of hundreds of thousands to millions of years…civilization has been around for much less. I think it’s also debatable that monogamy represents sophistication. There are happy, functional human relationships that are sexually open as well polyamorous. Monogamy is only one relationship model. And based on rates of infidelity and divorce rates, there is no evidence that it’s the best model. And sex and love are two different biological drives, there is no reason why sex should be anymore of a deal breaker than any other form of betrayal. We can hurt the ones we love in many ways. Some are slow and accumulate over time, some are big and fast and come down like a hammer. Everybody has a line that they don’t want crossed…monogamy is a sensible place to draw the line. But I think it’s better to take it situation by situation, because making things black and white never seems to work that well. For me, I just decided that someone I love shouldn’t be defined by a mistake. And I’ve always been about second chances. πŸ™‚ I wish there were rules to relationships. Things would be so much easier.

      • I know what you mean. I think in my opinion, it all depends on the person’s beliefs, standards, and expectations. For me, I expect the person I’m dating to be faithful to me, no questions asked. I just am not the type of person to accept someone being unfaithful to me. For me, that hops, skips, jumps, and flies right over my boundaries. I don’t see it as a mistake, really. I see it as someone betraying my trust and spitting on it. At least, that what it was in the situation I was in.

        If I had been married for twenty years and it was one time and the man told me immediately after, maybe it would have been different.

        But the person who betrayed me was sneaky for a long time about it, lied, and had been lying about other things in the past. His actions got more and more severe, and he moved onto cheating along with everything else. For me, I’d had enough. He had had thousands of chances, and he basically took a dump on the relationship, to put it in vulgar terms.

        I think if other people can move past cheating, that’s awesome. For me, I’m not that type of person. I don’t know if I really believe in second chances. It usually has to depend on what the person did to need a second chance. In my eyes, if he is dating me, that’s his chance. If he screws up in a disastrous way, then his time is up and the relationship is over.

        With the relationship I was in, I gave too many chances, and he took those chances as me excusing his behavior and allowing him to behave even worse.

        Live and learn though. I’m tougher now. πŸ˜‰

      • Some guys are actually just assholes. I really wasn’t trying to imply that you shouldn’t feel the way that you do, only commenting on the big picture. Navigating the world of relationships rarely aligns with our expectations of that world and I have found just accepting this has helped me deal with relationship problems more easily, even if it’s never really easy. Everybody has the right to a loving consensual relationship that makes them happy. I hope you find it. πŸ™‚

      • Definitely! You’re right. Relationships can be complicated. It’s all a matter of how we deal with them. As long as we cope in a healthy way and do what’s best for our well-being, that’s what matters.

        Thank you. I hope I find that, too. I’m sure I will someday. πŸ™‚

  7. I love your little letters! In my personal diary I have letters written to myself as well. It’s a great snapshot of how we are feeling at this point in life, and a great way to see if we’re getting better or worse. I really enjoyed reading these! I’m glad your thoughts are becoming more positive! That’s exciting!

    • Thank you so much! I’m glad to hear you enjoyed them. They’re fun to write, and I think it’s cool to see my progress. I feel like I’ve come a long way from the first letter I wrote.

      That’s great you use this technique in your diaries, too. It’s an awesome way to communicate your thoughts and write as if you’re talking to a friend. For me, it helps promote more positive self-talk.

  8. Reblogged this on ronovanwrites and commented:
    This is a person that I just connected with on Twitter today. Writing a letter to herself? I read it and I think it is a great idea. I think in a way we all do it in different forms, but I really like this. I see a bloghop out of this she could start #LetterToMyself. I really enjoyed this and other things I read. Follow her on her blog and Twitter. @electricfire89

    • Thank you so much for linking to my blog! I really appreciate it. I love your idea about the bloghop through Twitter with #LetterToMyself. That is so cool! Thanks again for checking out my blog! πŸ™‚

  9. I relate to what you said about nobody being perfect. I’m trying to eradicate my perfectionist tendencies, which is partially why I’m blogging. The less I care about posting the “perfect” post, the less I’ll care about being perfect in real life. All any of us can do is our best. πŸ™‚

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