A letter to myself (and girls everywhere)

Source: empowermagazine.com

Source: empowermagazine.com

Dear me (and you),

This black hole is familiar. You traveled down it roughly three and a half years ago. Back then you said to yourself, “I’ve never been this hurt.”

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that has changed. Right now, you have never been this hurt. Three and a half years ago was a cake walk compared to wrenching the knife out of your back now.

You reach your arms back to grasp it, twist it left and right, but somehow, the knife lodges deeper. You drop your arms to your sides.

Every day is like an alternate universe. You wake up each morning, hoping you dreamt it, but when reality hits, you wish you could fall asleep again. You’d rather have nightmares than be awake for real life.

No matter how many, “You’re a great girl! You’ll find someone better!” comments you hear, right now you only blame YOU.

Your brain is screaming, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?”

Subconsciously you know those thoughts are irrational. But when you’re spiraling downward, down the rabbit hole, you can’t think straight. When the reality is that he found someone else, someone prettier, someone better, it’s impossible not to blame yourself.

Three and a half years ago, you swore you wouldn’t allow someone to hurt you again. You broke that promise. You put your stitched up, bruised little heart in his palm. And he squeezed it. The contents are everywhere. Exploded on the wall.

How can you clean yourself up now? You may as well get out the mop.

Weakness and naïveté aren’t what caused this. It wasn’t stupidity. No matter how much you think that, it’s not. It was hope.

Despite the pain cutting you up every day, you had hope. A tiny sliver of light peeking through the tunnel of depression. While humanity crushed you, you had hope that he was the one coming to pick you up. To save you from yourself.

I’m sorry. So sorry that he is another enemy you have to guard yourself from. I’m sorry that your armor is back in place, that you’re wearing your mask once more, and that you’re fighting against anyone breaking through. I’m sorry that life is a war for you right now.

The familiar pain is unavoidable. I wish I could fast forward it, numb it, erase it. I know you vowed never to be “here” again, but history repeats itself.

Romantic movies, love songs, or anything that remotely reminds you of that knife sticking out of your back will cause the downward spiral. Falling asleep and waking up are the most painful times of every day. He will haunt your dreams. He will become another ghost you’re battling to forget. You’re terrified he has already forgotten you. Never in your life have you wished time travel to be possible more than you do now.

You can’t erase him. You can’t forget. No amount of time can change that. You will hate him. But the memories will fade to another lifetime. Someday, he won’t matter anymore. He will be a ghost who no longer haunts you. Just like the last.

It takes longer than you’d think. Time is another one of your enemies.

I know you’ve given up hope. I know that “love” is just another four-letter word. But hope will creep back into your life. I promise. It’s okay to give up for now. It’s okay to be a mess. It’s okay to hate him.

One day, you’ll know it wasn’t your fault. You’ll look at yourself in the mirror again. You’ll smile. You will see a girl you’re not ashamed to be.

No matter how isolated you are, know that you’re not the only one. You’re fighting the same battle as thousands of other girls (and guys) out there.

Someday you’ll accept that it wasn’t your fault. It never was. Once you realize this, you will reach back, rip the knife out of your back, and the gash will stop bleeding.

Even if no one else can be trusted, and you believe that everyone is out to hurt you (I know it may appear that way at times), be your own ally. Right now is a time to trust yourself. It’s crucial.

You will save your life.

I love you.

Sincerely,
Me

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15 thoughts on “A letter to myself (and girls everywhere)

  1. Pingback: A letter to myself (and girls everywhere) | The Realm of the Chaos Fairy

  2. I think that the forgiveness, hope and love that you gave is a strength, not a weakness. It is a strength of yours that you loved someone so much that it hurts this bad for it to be over. Right now, I know you’re kicking yourself for falling for the bullshit and for letting yourself get some vulnerable. One day, someone else will appreciate these qualities of yours and you will find an equal match of giving and receiving love. Right now, it hurts like fucking hell, and anger and sadness consumes you. You’ll never forget him as a person but you’ll learn from the lessons he taught you. Keep your chin up, Becky! I think you are absolutely stunning and beautiful inside and out. I let a man make me absolutely depressed and lifeless three years ago and I vow to never let that happen again. Be strong and know your worth, which I know you do ❤

    • Thank you so much! It’s all a learning experience, that’s for sure. Sometimes we learn the most from the painful times. Focusing on myself is helping me remember my self worth. I know that I deserve better, and I won’t settle for a crappy relationship or someone who doesn’t respect me.

      Thank you so much for the comment! We all go through bad breakups, but we become stronger because of them.

    • Chelesea;
      I truly appreciate your comment.
      Yes, you are absolutely right, many a times we come across some situations and circumstances upon which we don’t have any control, but that one bad incident should not shattered our whole life.
      By the way, today, I have visited your wonderful blog and commented on your “ABOUT” page.
      Congratulation for creating very useful, informative and inspirational blog.
      Wishing you as well as REBECCA all the best……………………

  3. This is the first post of yours that I’ve read and it’s so sad, beautiful and true. You are an amazing writer as well. Like the commenter above me said, you’re beautiful inside and out so wait for the best. I’ll go read as much of your blog as I can now…blog binges are too much fun.

  4. Oh man. I have so been there, so many times. I think that you are right – that when we allow ourselves to be hurt like this, when we open up and let someone into our hearts it is completely about hope. I also believe that the decision to love someone is never a wrong decision…what the other person chooses to do with that love is solely about them. If the person ultimately winds up being unworthy of my love and being an intimate part of my life, then that is about me.

    Be kind to yourself, and while it is cliche, know that there is someone out there. I didn’t believe it…and it took a decade for him to show up, but now I know I was just building an incredible life that an incredible person would want to be a part of. It’s funny how that works. 😉

    Be well!

    • Thank you for your kind comment! I’m glad to hear that it is possible to find someone worthy of our love even after disastrous relationships.

      I think it’s definitely important to love ourselves during these times, because it can be hard to do that. We sometimes want to just beat ourselves up and wonder what is wrong with us, when in reality, it was the people who hurt us that were wrong.

      I’m so happy to hear that you found someone to be a positive part of your incredible life. That’s fantastic! 🙂

  5. Pingback: Someday (Letter Three) | Humyn

  6. Rebecca;
    “Right now is a time to trust yourself. It’s crucial”.
    At present, it seems good policy but don’t make it as a rule of life; because, life is full of probability and potentiality so explore new horizons, achieve new avenues and on the way you will find some one; till that moment be your friend only.
    Wishing you all the best………………

      • Rebecca;
        I wish, you wipe-out all the negativity as early as possible; because, I don’t want to see my good, cordial, lovely, cute, charming, sweet, caring, intelligent, smart, humble, honest, frank, noble friend named
        REBECCA MEYER
        in gloomy state of mind or mood.
        So, come on cheer up; life is waiting for you to explore you it with open heart and open arms just go for it; there are hardly any time for regrets.
        Wishing you all the best……………….

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