Either I can tell the future, or I have an extremely accurate intuition.
I need to start taking my own damn advice.
The on-and-off again boyfriend (let’s call him *Bobby) and I had our share of problems. We mainly took a “break” because of distance.
However, this was not the breakdown of our relationship. I knew there was a big, looming event lurking in the distance, coming to tear us apart for good.
I was right. And apparently, I already knew long before I found out the truth.
Facebook is the perfect tool for spying. All it took was Bobby adding a particular girl (let’s call her *Lacy) on Facebook, for me to know.
I had never met her in my life. She lived across the country, enrolled in graduate school in the same program as Bobby.
Bobby had begun adding numerous girls on Facebook, and I had no suspicions.
But when I saw Lacy’s picture, I knew.
Maybe it had something to do with how pretty she was, that she was in his graduate school program, or that she was in a sorority. But mostly, it boiled down to the knots in my stomach.
I felt inspired to write this post when I discovered a draft from December 17th that I wrote when I first learned of Lacy’s existence. Bobby was sending me texts like these…
…and I knew Lacy was the new girl in his life.
My intution also told me that when I ask, “Are you seeing anyone?” and he says, “Not really,” I need to be more specific. I also knew that texts like these were a complete lie:
December was eons ago as far as how the “relationship” has changed with Bobby since then, but somehow I knew what was to come. Here is what I wrote on December 17th:
Stop comparing yourself to your ex’s new girlfriend
Cutting your losses and transitioning to the single life is empowering in theory, but not when you’re actually living through it.
For some reason, being single after a long term relationship leaves some of us with a laundry list of insecurities. The question of “What’s wrong with me?” may sound familiar, even though a break up doesn’t mean something is wrong with us; it means something was wrong with the relationship.
If we’re not “friends” with our exes after a break up (friendship with an ex is completely foreign to me personally), usually we don’t want to be the one alone while our ex moves on.
Back in December, I knew.
But I continued to listen to Bobby’s lies. I believed him when he sent texts like this over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day:
Yet even though I still had knots in my stomach that a disaster was just around the corner, Bobby reassured me that I didn’t have anything to worry about:
Instead of following my intuition, instead of asking the difficult questions, I didn’t. I allowed Bobby to see me on New Year’s Day, and there was no mention of Lacy. But he was distant. I knew. No matter how much I tried to ignore it, I knew that every word flying out of his mouth was tainted. I was too afraid to ask the most important question of all (“Are you sleeping with someone?”). I knew that everything was a lie.
Bobby found ways around the truth by being vague. He claimed he wasn’t “really” seeing anyone, that he hadn’t met anyone interesting, but he could not commit to being faithful to me. When he made it clear that it would be difficult for him to keep it in his pants, I knew:
He failed to mention the fact that he was already sleeping with someone. Why did he do that?
My intuition told me he was an asshole, but I still ignored it. I let him feed me lies that he was only telling to keep me in the dark:
A couple weeks after seeing Bobby, I knew. All I had to see was that Lacy was Bobby’s “best friend” on Snapchat. Again, those familiar knots in my stomach told me to stop. To wake up. To block him from my life.
So I did.
Weeks later, Bobby emailed me to confirm that he had been sleeping with Lacy for months, was continuing to sleep with her, but that he wanted to marry me. My worst fears were realized: my intuition was right, and I should have closed the door on our relationship long ago. I should have voiced the questions circling around in my head, but I didn’t. I was afraid of the answers. And I learned the truth too late. I barely got out alive.
The moral of this messy story is that your intuition is almost always right. Don’t ignore it like I did. I knew I would spiral downward. I knew I deserved better. I knew Bobby was a liar. I knew I wanted to be alone. But I clung to that fantasy. The fantasy that relationships work out. Maybe one day, it won’t be a fantasy for me. But for now, it’s out of reach.
Now, being selfish has never been more important. My goal is to rely on myself to make me happy. To find myself again. I crave inner peace after months of turmoil. I want to believe in myself, and I should start with listening to my intuition.
*Names have been changed